i've lost an arm wrestling match against Jay.
I had this whole picture in my mind about going at it "Over the Top" style.
But I got my ass served.
I don't know if my life can get any more depressing right now.
Lucky for me, nobody witnessed this live...
but still
...
I just thought it would be funny to take the opportunity of Jay's absence to put a little piece of scotch tape on the laser pointer of his mouse, rendering the pointer on the screen immobile and useless.
Jay comes to the office.
he looks tired, and stressed
he looks at me and says: "its strange, you haven't done anything stupid today"
I wait
I wait like a leopard hunting in the middle of the Savannah. I am hungry, I haven't eaten a single thing for weeks. My hunting instincts, combined to my survival instinct, are peaking. I can smell his weakness.
I wait
He sits at his desk
I start making a phone call.
I am in full office camouflage
He tries to open an email.
he clicks on the mouse. the button works
he moves the mouse...it doesn't move.
he's puzzled
he's lost
I can smell his weakness
he turns the mouse over, tries to clean the laser, doesn't notice a thing.
"FUCK!"
"what the fuck?"
I smile
I am feeding off his desperation
"It was you wasn't it"
I am proud, I acknowledge
"what did you do?"
I don't answer
I am feeding
-I'm gonna go and get coffee, you want anything?
-no thanks, its very nice of you though
-don't tell me i'm nice, i'm not nice.
hmmm, ok Jay, you're not, you kissy poo, huggy huggy you !!!
later on Jay reminded me of this beautiful conversation:
(Jay wants to buy a trumpet)
-I found a trumpet for 85 bucks.
-for 85 bucks it must be a piece of crap
-you're the piece of crap
....
what a terror
what an error
i look in the mirror
am i dead or..?
not?
its not even a haiku
there's plenty of red ink on my phone.
office accident.
it looks like someone got murdered.
its cool
or not
-"hah!" as I jump in front of C-Boy
-"you come funny?! you no funny !!
....actually, that's not English"
-"indeed"
this is all very very sad
-blah blah blah
-blah blih bluh
-Jay, there's something written on your hand?
-yeah,..
he looks at it.
stares at it
his eyebrows raise
-oh shit !!, i have to go.
is there a song to celebrate Italy's defeat?
If it doesn't exist, someone should write it.
That way, one could celebrate Italy's defeat, no matter the circumstances.
somthing along the lines of:
Italy lost and its awesome !!
My day is so awesome because Italy lost !!
Italy hasn't done anything important in the last 4 centuries
it was the chinese who invented pasta !!
what is left for Italy?
nothing but awesome DEFEAT !!
I'm waiting for the elevator
actually, there's a lot of people waiting for it.
good things happen to those who wait they say.
people hate it when someone they don't know is listening to their conversation.
I love listening to the amazing shit others say. And I have no problem admitting it.
what I find most important is to pretend I'm not listening and to keep my composure.
out of respect for those people.
sometimes composure is hard to keep
especially when you're waiting for the elevator
OTIS - why do you makes us all wait?
anyway:
-"have you become a metrosexual? one guy says to Mr."Victim"
Victim looks confused - his eyes say "what the fuck?"
-"well, what's going on with that purse you have there?"
Victim is carrying a big white nylon messenger bag, with a long strap accross his chest, hanging on the opposite shoulder.
-"you should have bought a pink one !" another guy exclaims
-"hey, how do you expect to carry all my stuff? I have to bring my food, my train tickets my blah, blah blah blah"
at this point i'm thinking that the only thing missing in that bag are lipstick, facial cream and tampons.
apparently, I'm not alone
-"...and higienic pads!"
lesson in life: if you're going to carry a purse....get in the elevator fast !
So, I call my Grandma,
-Grandma, I'm coming
-yes
-i'm calling to order something in particular
-ham (expensive kickass ham)
-yes
-i knew it (she knows me)
-can i do something for you? do you need anything?
-no, well, could you bring me some Rap music?
(she rules)
-don't worry, I got you covered
-I want something a little relaxing, with nice voices
-really, dont' worry, I got you covered
So far I got her a nice little collection including:
akhenaton (france)
iam (france)
abd al malik (france)
marcelo d2 (brasil)
dread maxim (senegal)
2Pac (whom i like to call "one-pac")
a tribe called quest
dilated peoples
eric b & rakim
guru
lauren hill
mos def
etc.
Kman explains a colleague that recently started working in Morocco:
-"You should really check out this great Thaï restaurant in Casablanca.
It's a Spanish Chain of Thaï restaurants. It's very good".
-"oh ok.."
we get in the elevator (the K and I)
Kman looks at me, a little disturbed, but amused.
-"That was pretty surreal", "wasn'it"
-"what?"
-"the spanish thai restaurant in Morocco".
-"oh, yes, indeed, almost blog worthy, but not quite"
-"true, not quite blog worthy"
-"yeah, I mean, it is surreal, but it lacks blood and guts. Its funny, but not dark funny. If they were serving human remains in your Thai restaurant...that would be blog worthy"
I'm getting hungry
I know this great Thai near work. I think I'm gonna call and book a table...
-"hello"
-"hello"
-"how are you"
-"not good"
-"huh?"
-"yeah, couldn't sleep"
-"yeah, me neither, kept having bad dreams about people who just wouldn't die"
-"what?"
-"yeah, and the worse part was that you were in it and you just wouldn't die"
-"hmmm?"
-"You were strapped in an electric chair, and I was all excited and you were all, like, grrghhlllllghrllghh.
But you would just not die. And I was really applying myself, but it wouldn't work"
So, Jay has dreams about trying to kill me.
this all reminds me of this beautiful Metallica song: Ride the Lightning
here is an extract:
Guilty as charged
But damn it, it ain't right
There's someone else controlling me
Death in the air
Strapped in the electric chair
This can't be happening to me
Who made you God to say?,
I'll take your life from you
Flash before my eyes
Now it's time to die
Burning in my brain
I can feel the pain
Wait for the sign
To flick the switch of death
It's the beginning of the end
Sweat, chilling cold
As I watch death unfold
Consciousness my only friend
My fingers grip with fear
What am I doing here?
Flash before my eyes
Now it's time to die
Burning in my brain
I can feel the flame
Jay rolls in
-"I'm not speaking to you today"
I don't answer. today seems awesome, it couldn't start better
he comes in, he waits for my reaction.
I keep ignoring him
He turns his Pc on
The silence in the room is so loud that you can hear it from the other side of the building.
-"I'm not speaking to you, unless you insist"
Again, I ignore him
-"really, unless you insist, I won't speak to you"
I laugh,
and a few minutes later we are discussing wether K1 is cooler than MMA. I love K1, but Jay loves MMA. I like gentelmen sports, he's an animal.
Oh well, whatever :)
A friend told me today:
-it has been one of my least productive afternoons
when I'm ashamed of doing nothing....I should think of you
and vice versa
-...uuuhm, I'm never ashamed of doing nothing
-right, true, I should have guessed you'd say that...
-Are you gonna be in a meeting all day
-at least all morning, probably part of the afternoon
-dam, who am I going to hit on then?
-you can always hit on "FatBitch"
-huh?
-yeah, not only will you hurt your knuckles less because of the fat, but fat people also feel pain a lot more than average people
-??
-yeah, the nervous ending expand through the fat, and due to the larger skin surface they get a lot more pain signals. Its awesome
-yeah!
I'm glad I have a meeting today
-one of these days i'm gonna flip out
-can you please let me know 3minutes in advance, i don't want to end up with a screen thrown to my face
-i don't want to throw a sceen at you. I wan't to go from office to office and snap people's necks (he mimes the snapping with his hands)
-i'm not sure it's really that effective in real life
-you want to try?
-not really, why don't you try on someone else?
funny thing is that 1h before I asked Jay if he was in a good mood, and he replied "have you ever seen me in a bad mood".
well....
:)
-"what"?
-"you're jaleous"
-"i wasn't even listening"
-"that's because you're jaleous"
-"what am i supposed to be jaleous about?"
-"you're just jaleous that's all"
-....
-"you're jaleous, because I got to kick's a guy'as in the elevator" (he's joking, but he's throwing fists knee-shots in the air)
-"well, if you actually had done that, I would be jaleous"
Jay turns to me smiling
-"yeah, and then you'd see a trace of blood on the elevator's mirror, running down to the floor"
-"yeah, sweet"
-"and he's be twitching on the ground and stuff" (Jay starts twitching)
-"yeah,...sweet"
mmmh, violence
what's the office version of columbine?
yesterday afternoon a few amazing things happened
-Italy got BEAT !!! (yeah !) by Holland.
any day where Italians get internationally humiliated qualifies as a good day in my book.
-I had lunch in an Italian restaurant, the food was great and the waitresses were mega hot.
and while I was eating, Italy was getting its ass served,
absolutely priceless
I got to see the best UFC match ever, and see for the first time in my life a Piledriver being performed in actual combat situation and not just as a WWF fun simulation
imagine this
between two guys that want to actually really destroy the living hell out of each other
you get this
ITS FUCKING AWESOME.
-Hi
-Hi
-Good morning
-Good morning
silence ensues
time passes,
more time passes
-Jay, are you sure you're ok?
-yes, why?
-well, you insult me every morning. I mean, at least a little, and today, nothing?
-It's Monday, I can't be bothered.
we're all doomed
life is like a box of chocolates
evertime you open one, all the good stuff is already gone
what is left has melted
and people still get pissed if you refuse to take one
FUCK IT
one day... I will do the same
in the meantime, this is hilarious
bloody fucking hilarious
http://view.break.com/513310 - Watch more free videos
K-Man enters our office.
-are you ready (for coffee)
-yes, I am
I'm about to get up and leave
but,
C-Boy passes by.
He cannot resist, there's too many people around,
so he starts talking to us
-Tell us a joke C-Boy
-No, No, I'm out of Jokes, I only know those 3.
-3?? I've only heard 2, I want to hear the third one
-(K-Man) yeah, I only remember two.
-I don't remember...
C-Boy exits the office
I get ready to go for coffee
C-Boy jumps back through the door
-Oh, I remember this one joke
Its not the best joke for a (insert nationality from ancient fascist/dictatorial regime of your choice) to tell ...buutt
-come on, tell us !
-ok ok, why do the shower thingies at (insert name of your favourite extermination camp) have 11 holes?
...
...C-Boy raises his hands up the air, the fingers pointing towards the ceiling
...
Because you only have 10 fingers !!!
-don't you hate your job? why don't you quit, and leave this place...and...leave me alone?
-i don't hate my job lately. lately, I like my job. because I have to lick people's asses.
-C-Boy: it's his favourite activity anyway
-yeah!
I'm close, but not close enough.
I see a space.
I will cut through that space.
and I will make to the fence
The lights are on.
there is silence
we're all waiting
waiting for rage
the tension keeps builiding
there is less and less space around me
there is no space around me
except for that little gap
that little gap between
a fat, heavily tattoed guy
a japanese
and a red head
the lights are off
the rage is out
the music explodes
the crowd jumps
that space is mine
I grab the fence
I hold on tight
I own my spot
there are 15.000 people behind me,
there are only 4 in front
rage against the machine
full on
and then, a story of energy, sweat, bruising and loads of headbanging ensued
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