It's 2p.m.
I have had lunch for over 2 hours.
Jay hasn't.
-"I'm gonna go grab something to eat"
-"it's a bit late"
-"who did you have lunch with"
-"SadGirl" (both Jay and I think she's cute)
-"Oh, did she say anything about me?"
-"yeah"
-"what?"
-"that I'm hotter than you"
the silence that followed told a long and intricate tale of humiliation
my boss:
-this movie about the guy that travels to alaska, a really sad story. very depressing ending. he's a gifted kid who decides that a career and all that doesn't make sense, that family is the most important thing, but his family is completely unrelatable to, so he leaves and meets a lot of weird disconnected people along his way to the furthestmost point in alaska, where he dies miserably.
me
-dunno, thought it was quite beautiful and it gave me a lot of hope
my boss
-there's something really wrong with you, you know that right
me
-well, don't know, every day I wish I would just leave it all behind and...go
-"You know that one of these days I'm going to cut your throat right?"
-"what?"
-"Yeah, I'm gonna crawl behind you, take out my knife and slit your throat from left to right" (i'm right handed, and have watched way too many crime movies)
-"bah, you're so useless you'll probably hurt yourself"
-"no, i'll take a really good knife, that cuts really well, it will be easy"
-"that's exactly what I mean, by the time you take your knife out, you'll have already cut your own belly open"
-"hum no" (I don't think I'm that useless, and I have a wonderful, well actually more than one, japanese kitchen knife with a professional finition etc., it cuts through steel, well, no, but it will cut through Jay like butter)
-"and once you've cut yourself, I'll grab your guts, pull them out and tie a knot with them.
Then, I'll proceed to braking your right wrist, your left wrist, your ankles,
...you see, I still have never taken a Jui Juitsu lock until the end
and then I'll break your knees, your omoplates
-"hmmm"
-"and then i'll just kick you in the face"
-"i'll probably be unconscious before that"
-"yeah, but it's fun"
-"bah, you won't do any of that"
-"huh?"
-"you won't, you don't even really like violence (well he does though), and you're way too nice a guy to ever do any of that to me"
-"don't say that, why are you saying that, that's unfair !!"
pussy !!
This happened right now
I was litterally thinking:
"wow, I've checked out the boobs of 100% of the women I've seen in my office building. Some of these women have amazing racks.
I wish I was in there.
I wish I was sooo in there."
And then, as I was thinking that
BMac tells me:
"there's a billboard outside my window
they just put it up
R: what does it say?
BMac: i have no idea what they are advertising, but it has a closeup of a woman's cleavage
i can't stop looking out the window
and I don't even need to move to see it
I feel more normal
lunch in an office cantine can be somewhat "institutionalised"
so you have to kill the boredom somehow.
Today I had lunch with Jay, C-Boy and VanD
Topics included
-why women dress like crap
-why you can't tell woman when they do dress like crap
-sex with goats
-sex with sheep
-opening a place where you can just go and fuck
without it becoming a gay place,
as only dudes would come
-hunting
-hunting of the jews in German forests
-guns
-more guns
-climbing trees
BMac: dude
BMac is online.
BMac: what are you doing right now???
R: nothing
for now
why?
BMac: JFC
update it now!!!
i'm getting tired of waiting!!!
R: with what?
BMac: i dunno
the election
global warming
pubes
i don't care
R: i'm out of funny
BMac: something
There
you have something Bmac ;)
sorry about this. im traveling around a bit.
i ll resume normal updates from next week on
everywhere i go there is one constant: jui juitsu is gay
Its early,
Its way too early for me to be at work, nevermind actually working.
I wait patiently as my computer boots.
I open FireFox, it's time to start working.
I mean that it's time to read the newspaper.
I mean, read the sports section. why doesn't anyone care that Palin won Ms Alska because there were only monters in Alaska at that time. God she looked fucking aweful in that swimsuit.
I hears steps in the corridor.
They sound like Jay's monring tired walk.
Then, I hear a sound I never heard before.
It tore my ears appart like the scream of a puppy being ran over by a 4x4 (I have unfortunately witnessed this..., but that's another story).
-"hello" said a feminine voice
-"HELLO" replied Jay, loudly, motivated
He then comes into our office
-"Hi".
-"eeeem, hi, did I just hear you say hello to someone? do you have friends? are you socialising? what the fuck?"
-"i know...can't believe it either"
We're not in Kansas anymore
J-"Why doesn't Ulrika come and say hi to me in the morning?"
R-"because you're ugly"
J-"Why does she say hello to you then?"
R-"Because I'm hot"
J-"That makes sense..."
-"cough, cough, cough"
-"do you want some of my cough syrup?" (I was sick two weeks ago, and its right on my desk)
-"No, I'd rather die than have any of your shitty cough syrup....I'm being less and less mean, I think something's wrong
...
...I wonder if I can donate blood while I'm sick.."
wtf?
I'm downstairs, grabbing a morning coffee with the K-Man
I'm a little stressed, today is not my best day.
Jay told me this morning, after I told him that I felt today basically as I felt yesterday that today I was "one day older".
This is great, it means that every single day of my life, my body has deteriorated a little more.
anyway,
I'm downstairs, grabbing a morning coffee with the K-Man
I think he's not doing too good either, he says:
-"I have a bad feeling, I feel that something big is going to happen"
-"what like nuclear war?"
-"Don't know, something like that, something bit, something we will over which we will have no control whatsoever"
-"well, you should console yourself with the fact that at least you'll get to get laid one last time before we all blow up.
I will have to settle with masturbating, alone"
shlak, shlak, shlak, - rhaaaa/BOOOOOM
-"Why don't you write a special Jay blog?"
-"...hmmm"
-"Yeah, a blog where you would write nice things about me, and I could go there when I'm depressed"
I didn't even bother replying.
This is so never going to happen :)
-"I know why you play drums now"
-"I'm prepared for the worst...
...hahaha"
-"I wasn't expecting you to be laughing this much, if I had known that, I wouldn't have sent you this"
:)
c-boy is in my office
Jay, C-Boy and I are discussing C-Boy's attire.
He looks elegant today
does he have a meeting?
whatever
I don't have a meeting
At least I hope
I don't elegant today
as most days
most days, I don't have meetings
tomorrow I have a lunch with a hot chick
I'll be elegant tomorrow
I notice something else
-"Your hair is different"
-"Well, it's different every day"
Jay also notices something
-"wooo, you noticed his hair, wow, your hair is different, woo wooo"
I think he's trying to imply something
-"Well, at least, he, has hair !"
burn !!
-"I was going to send you a link, but I was afraid you'd take it the wrong way"
-"bah, don't worry" (given the situation, what could he send me that could hurt me. I'm de-sentized by now)
-"i'm pretty sure it would hurt you"
-"what I don't understand is: If you know that you can send me something that is going to hurt me, how come I haven't received it already?"
I Jay turning into some kind of samaritan now?
Is he sick?
2 hours ago he tried to perform a triangle on me.
Given that we were in the office, it was kind of an akward situation...
Probably the only person in the world more traumatized by women than I.
I'm just posting this only because ever since he did that god-awful-abominable-horrid cover of "I'll be missing you" - I HATE HIS FUCKING GUTS
So, guess who's laughing now you asshole ?!
the answer is ME!!
mouahahahaa
MOUAHAHAHA HA HA HA
I'm checking my blog tracker stats
They give so much information
-"Hmmm, I seem to have most of my visits on Mondays".
-"you should look at it differently"
-"what do you mean?"
-"well, during the weekend, people re-charge their batteries, and they come to the office on Mondays filled with hope and happiness. So they think there may be something good on your blog. But there isn't, so they don't come back for the whole rest of the week"...."I don't want to be mean".
....silence
-"well, you do want to be mean"
-"true"
I've recently discovered Chinese artist "Benjamin"
the colors are incredible.
They really set him apart from a lot of the stuff I've seen in recent times.
..and the chicks are hot, yes
The Picture Below is called "The Drummer"
See more of his work, and of other great artists at the Arludik Gallery
Photographer Frank White
Amazing UK Glamor Photographer
As you will see, the portfolio is mostly composed of Naked Chicks.
which is awesome.
except for Jay, because he likes Jui-Juitsu.
Vikky Blows - In The Woods
On a very different note,
There is Frank White,
amazing American Get Trashed Photographer
As you will see, the portfolio is mostly composed of HeadBangers
which is awesome
except for Jay, because he likes Jui-Juitsu
I'm looking at the personal stats of Bojan Krickc, young striker of Football Club Barcelona.
Personally, I hate that club (because it sucks, and I hate it)
Bojan was born in 1990, and he's a millionaire...
-"When I watch the Birthdates of these football players, I get really depressed"
-"Why, because you realise that you should be working?"
-"..."
Hmmm
watched some nice stuff recently.
Jay would immediately say "Porn", I know he would.
I'm just saying that because I'm sick, and I'm stuck at home.
anyway
I've watched
The Promotion:
Cool Movie about 2 "assistant managers" fighting it out to get promoted.
quite hilarious. but the whole movie is very calm, the jokes are subtle and smart. And you wonder who's going to get it, until the very very end
Kidulthood:
Nice movie about some youngsters in London. It took me about 15minutes to understand what they were saying But from there on, it was game on. they sure curse a lot over there ! and they fuck like rabbits
dam english.
The Foot Fist Way:
an awesome comedy about a guy who teaches at a Tae Kwan Do gym.
it's just absolutely-fuckin-awesome.
oh, and its about real martial arts, not that pussy-wannabe-pretend-playground-Jui-Juitsu crap
A friend (colleague) is in our office: Punjaba
we talk
we talk a little more
she leaves: "I'll see you later !" she says, with a smile.
-"I don't think so" says Jay
and then,...silence.
Me - women are complicated (I said)
Jay - no they're not. women are not complicated.
Me - huh?
Jay - when woman want to have sex with you, they're not complicated at all.
but for you, since they don't want you, of course they're complicated.
Jay, I hate you
Jay proposed to try new Jui Juitsu submissions on me at least three times this morning.
I told him to go and try them on someone else.
and to please tell me if and when he intends to do so.
I want to see this happen.
He also offered to fight a couple of times.
I think he is repressing his feelings for me.
It's fine, I understand.
I just don't share those feelings.
-"Do you like the Ziggy Stardust album?"
-"hmm ??"
-"the david bowie album"
-"oh, probably yes then"
-"sure?, why do you like it?"
-"because i'm gay"
-"oh, you've also read that it's been nominated as the gayest album...ever ?
"no".
case closed
first it was Jui Juitsu
then....
-"You should get a Nikon D80"
-"hmm not cheap, there's a pentax that looks cool"
-"yeah, but dude, if you get the D80, you're really going to enjoy yourself"
(i have the d300)
-"nah, photography sucks, its crappy and it's totally gay"
-"you're just exaggerating in order to insult me"
-"true"
If you're in love with the big apple you will love this project.
Really beautiful composition of New York
Norman Caravazza Vision
-Jay: "For this kinda stuff, FailBlog has plenty of cool stuff"
-"Yep, I didn't know FailBlog, but I won't put in my favorites. I don't want to see the same stuff as you. If we see different stuff, then we can share"
-"You can't see the same stuff as I. I see naked women"
-"..." I stare at Jay
-"REAL, naked women"
-"..."
I feel my burn in cold stone silence
He laughs
bastard!
"This is the best video I've seen while you were away" Jay told me
You know when you see someone fall, and you laugh proportionally to the spectacularity of the fall?
and then, you kinda keep laughing while you look at the person moan.
then you laugh less, but you're expecting him to get up, so that you don't have to feel guilty and can keep laughing.
but if the person doesn't get up and seem really hurt you stop laughing and feel like shit..
...well, that's how you feel when watching this "KEN LEEEEEEEE"
I was reading a post about Historical Flags of the USA today.
Then, I see this picture:
And I think
-"What the hell is that on the upper right? That's the snake on the Metallica Black Album"
I am not american you see, and I am not an expert in intricate civil war data.
So, anyway, I see the goddam snake.
The same snake as on the cover of the Black Album
And I read "Don't Tread On me"
Which is the title of Track n°6 on the Black Album
AHA !!!, a lightbulb shines above my hair.
I an feel the heat of a genius dicovery.
I find something else
This flag represented a group of about one hundred minutemen from Culpeper, Virginia. The group formed part of Colonel Patrick Henry's First Virginia Regiment of 1775. In October-November 1775 three hundred such minutemen, led by Colonel Stevens, assembled at Culpeper Court House and marched for Williamsburg. Their unusual dress alarmed the people as they marched through the country. The word "LIBERTY OR DEATH" were in large white letters on the breast of their hunting shirts. They had bucks' tails in their hats and in their belts, tomahawks and scalping knives.
It also reads "Liberty or Death", which is part of the lyrics of the song.
I pass by a colleague's office.
I look through his door
he's out
the lights are off
it's all quite dark
except his computer screen
Bright colors are illuminating the office.
It draws my attention
OH MY GOD, an enormous PORNO picture
I can't believe it
he's such a nice, professional, clean cut kinda guy (actually that is usually the cover of the most deviant people)
I look closer
what I thought to be a lewd (actually not that lewd), undescribable (actually perfectly describable by my standards) act of sexual intercourse is in fact...
...a picture of his 3 year old daughter.
I am going to hell.
But I'm not the only one
My boss is in my office.
I will call him "Boss" to keep it simple.
Anyway, we've cleared up a lot of shit.
Including the most important one: my upcoming christmas holydays.
when I mentioned that I wanted to discuss that his eyes popped.
I cut him short: "I want to travel far and I want cheap tickets..."
-"aah"
anyway, he starts looking around my office and he sees my Electric Eel Shock Concert Poster.
-"You like Ultra Rock" (the album is titled "Transworld Ultra Rock")
-"yeah, sure"
-"you don't look like someone who likes Ultra Rock"
-"well, I have to come to the office"
-"I don't really know what Ultra Rock means really"
-"Oh, it's some Japanese thing, I'm not sure either"
-"It must be something like...French Hip Hop"
Then I look at Jay
Boss looks at Jay
We start laughing
loudly
by "we" I mean...NOT Jay
Jay is French, and he likes French Hip Hop
BUUUUURN !!
HA HA HA HA
Loud guitar noises.
Loud drums.
A fast pace.
Normally I would love it.
Right now, I can't stand it.
AD Rock is on the mic.
He's screaming:
Butcher Me On The Court
Too Many Elbows To Report
Now You're Poking Me In The Eye
Bill Laimbeer Motherfucker, It's Time For You To Die...
My synapses are connecting, they are sending a loud message through my brain
"Shit, FUCK!, FUCK THIS!!, FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING MOBILE PHONE, FUUUCK"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING FUCK !!"
I click on Snooze.
Silence.
I can rest.
But in the eternal cycle of life and death, in this neverending recurrence of the sun and the moon playing hide and seek, AD Rock decides that I shall not rest.
He's back on the mic.
With the guitars.
And the drums.
And that horrible distortion scratching my ear lobes.
Tough Guy, You Think You're Like The Shaq
Keep Running Around, You'll Catch A Heart Attack
Tough Guy, What Are You Giving Me
The Way You're Playing Ball, You'll Stop Me From Living B.
I click Snooze Again.
And I can rest.
But in this fight, there is no cat and mouse. there is only an agressor and a victim.
And I'm no tough guy.
Eventually, I get up.
As if to taunt me, to toy with my feeble self, AD Rock comes on his bloody mic once again as I'm trying to take my morning leak.
I think about throwing my phone into the toilet, but I can't afford to. AD Rock knows this, and tomorrow morning, he'll fuck with me again.
Goddam Tough Guy
So
I am in Bed
It is Monday Morning,
and like every day of my working life, I have to Banch Press myself out of bed.
It is an effort,
a real effort
Bench Press World Record
so that's it
I'm back
it's a sad day.
it will be sadder
waaaaay sadder
on monday morning.
I guess I will have one big "case of the mondays"
I will also get to see Jay again.
I wonder what he and the others have done to my stuff during my abscence.
Lucky for me, I come in early, so I will have some time to try and find all the traps the nice gentlemen at the office have laid out for me.
Jay just sent me an email with one of his vacation pictures.
He went to some football game or whatever
So,
I was watching the new Beowulf the other day.
It took me a long time to decide to watch this thing after the terrible Chritopher Lambert movie. I still have nightmare about the mere idea of the possibility of having to lay eyes on any screen showing that deviant piece of uncreative monstruosity which I refuse to call a movie.
Anyway,
So I'm done watching the thing, I look at the credits and I see that it was directed by Robert Zemeckis, a god, and that Crispin Glover is in the cast. I thought about it and really couldn't figure out which part Crispin Glover was playing. I need to check this.
Then, still in a mood to watch a movie (I have no life) I decide to watch the best trilogy of all time. The one that had me dream night after night after night of crazy adventures. The only trilogy that involved a DeLorean, a HoverBoard, a crazy mad scientist with mad hair who steals plutonium from Libyan terrorists and a teenager that wears self-adjusting Nike shoes.
Back to the future.
This time around, I notice other things. Things that I may or may not have noticed before. Things that just creeped me out.
1)the actress that plays the Jennifer (Marty's girlfriend) in part I: Claudia Wells, simply gets replaced in party II by Elisabeth Shue. They even re-shot the end of Part I with Shue so that you can't even figure out the change. with the years passed between the movies at the time of their release, it went unnoticed.
This being said, Elisabeth Shue is so hot, that I would have done the exact same thing. I don't know whose dick she's sucked, but that .... that is the luckiest motherfucker on earth.
Or maybe Claudia Wells died?
I dunno,
I also have to check this on imdb. I'll do it when I have some time, when my holydays are over and I'm back in the office with Jay.
Al this to say that she just got fucking replaced. Hops. you're out, she's in. amazing.
It will never be as crazy as the replacement of Will's mother in the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, but that is another story.
I also noticed a few more things like the fact that Elijah Wood has a 3s part.
That Flea has a part. But after having read Anthony Keadis Bio I am not suprised as him and Flea were very connected in Hollywood (LA crowd and all..)
What is most important about Flea is that his character:
hobbies include juggling
sports include slamball
food preference: steak mex
food dislike: fish thai
drinks: scotch beer
I'm drowning in unreality.
my mouth is half open. It is drooling slowly.
I hear a sweet melody.
My phone sends harmonies through the Air.
I pick it up.
I see the time. It is later than I feel.
It is 1.30 pm.
I mumble. Actually I stutter through my mumblings.
We reconvene. We will speak later.
My friend can't understand a word I'm saying.
I drown right back in unreality.
an unreality of success, women, respect, money, happiness and whatnot.
-"R!!"
-"mmmyeahrghh?"
-"lunch is ready"
-"I'mrghhh crhhhhming"
I catch some air.
again
It seems nobody wants to let me drown in peace.
Nothing is as quiet as the deep end of one's soul.
But I am not allowed to stay there for long.
Some people feel I should feed.
I cannot disagree to that argument on a rational level.
I sit at the table.
The upper lamp, with its bright, white, incandescent tungsten illuminates the food platter.
chicken
potatoes
a miracle
But my body is not awake yet.
My grandma is looking at me, sitting in front of me, impatient. If I don't eat, I am probably going to die a young unacceptable death.
-"I'm just so...so completely depressed" I say
-"Have you had breakfast?"
-"what? oh come on!!"
-"what? you can't understimate the link between a physical well-being and a mental one"
-"right, sure and breakfast is the key"
-"well, why do you think they have such big breakfasts in Holland?"
-"right, and no-one is depressed in Holland, in Germany neither, with all their morning Bratwursts".
-"exactly"
-"you know what? I'm going to publish a paper in a Psychology review titled Breakfast: the miracle solution!. It will explain why pshychologists all accross northern europe are out of work because people are having breakfast. How can you possible be depressed, sad or anguished if you have a solid start right at the beginning of the day?"
The most ironic thing of it all is that I'm having chicken for breakfast !!
I need to drown in unreality again. I can't handle the pressure.
I have had the opportunity to think about Batman lately.
I've loved the new movie. Yet, for some reason, no-one around me really liked it.
They all keep saying "Batman begins was better. This movie had a cool Joker, but it was filled with inconsistencies in the story, and Batman begins was more realistic"
More realistic? really? Liam Neeson playing a chinese guy in the mountains with a ridiculous moustache teaching secret fighting techniques....wooooo, scary. I would love to see Liam Neeson take on Fedor in a cage fight. Then we'd see if Batman Begins was realistic or not. (Spoiler: It wasn't realistic at all, and Liam Neeson would get destroyed...literally).
Anyhow, it got me wondering. If we want realism, how would Batman really fit in the real world?
1)For starters, his mask only covers half his face.
And lets face it, when Christian Bale is playing Bruce Wayne, we see his face, and when he wears the Batsuit, we can all see that its Christian Bale under the costume....because we can see half his goddam face.
So if we go back to The Dark Knight, Bruce Wayne made a mega-entrance - helicopter + 10 mega hot women at his party. Everyone stares at him as he comes in for 10 minutes straight. He is the total and absolute center of attention.
Yet, when he fights the Joker in front of the same crowd...NO-ONE even wonders: "hmmm, he kinda maybe from the far in a sketchy way, reminds me of Bruce Wayne"....NO-ONE. And Christian Bale has real vampireske fangs. His canines are huge. it's not like it's a vampires vs wolves themed party is it now?
2)Batman is super skilled.
He is highly intelligent. He can do crazy bat-shit stuff.
But, could he solve a Rubik's cube? If so, how fast !!?
And, could he solve it with his costume on? could he? I bet the gloves would get in the way of a new world record.
3)Bat-Pussy
Poor Bruce Wayne, this guy has so much pussy flying to him. I mean, there is a guy who can actually tell the following story:
"When I was 9, my parents got shot in front of me...I am traumatized since then. Oh, and I inherited a fortune the size of the GDP of the USA". When you tell that story to a woman, even if you stutter, you are disfigured and are completely uncoordinated and disgraceful, do you know what happens?
I will tell you: pussy melts!. Seriously, he tells the story, then the pussy...shwshhhhh, it melts. Like the Nazi melted at the end of Indiana Jones and the Lost Ark...IT MELTS AWAY.
4)The love of his life.
She claims that she can't be with him because Batman gets in the way. That's not even true.
What about this. A guy who saw his parents get murdered in front of him, and was raised in a cave filled with bats by his Butler and the Wayne Incorporated Board of Trustees may have women issues while growing up?
Also, given the amount of meaningless pussy he can have, how could he settle for the chick in the movie? Sure, she's cute...But Leo DiCaprio has banged Gisele Bundchen and is now banging Bar Raffaeli. And Bruce Wayne could buy the Company that pays Leo.
5)Number two
The sexuality of super heroes has been broadly covered, so I won't bother. But more seriously. What happens when Batman needs to take a serious crap? how fast can the Batsuit come off? Does he have some sort of latch down there?
What if he needs to scratch his balls? seriously.
6)Piece of crap suit
Bruce Wayne has a lot of money.
a lot.
a whole lot.
Kind of like the money another orphan has...Tony Stark (Iron Man).
Therefore, why did Batman not get a suit that could....hmmm....fly, be invulnerable to missiles, launch energy impulses through his hands, have all sorts of other shit incorporated?
Yes, Iron Man belongs to Marvel and Batman to DC.
Batman is dark and mysterious and Iron Man is a douche (historically, not necessarily in the movie...which kinda ruled).
But, let's face it, in Batman forever....he get's fucking stabbed through that piece of crap suit, he even gets bitten by a dog....this is ridiculous.
7)Batman has a lot of "toys".
So, does he have?:
-Bat-Dildoes
-Bat-inflatable Dolls (Bat-Girl, Robin, the Joker in the Nurse Uniform)
-Misc. Bat-Sex-Toys
-Bat-Kitchen accessories
-Bat-bedsheets
-Bat-bathrobe
-Bat-Garden accessories
8)Alfred
Seriously, most people keep going on about how much Robin is Gay, and the Batman-Robin relationship is dubious.
But what about the Alfred-Bruce relationship.
Father-Son.....I think there is more to this story
9)The Bat-Car
sure, its kinda cool.
But what if soon after the events in The Dark Knight, X-Zibit knocks on Batman's door and goes...Yo, I'm X-to-the-Z - X-Zibit, I'm here to pimp your ride.
Then Batman jumps in joy, starts screaming "oh my god, I can't believe it, Alfred, do you know who this is? it's X-Zibit, he's a famous rap star, he's here to pimp my ride"
Then Alfred could finally ask what should be asked by all parents in that show..."Rap"Star?, "X-What", "Pimp a ride"...what is that about.
Then, West Coast Customs could finally put some serious stuff in that car. Like DVD players with MP4, not 3, 4!!!.
And they would for sure take care of those wheels and put some Bling Bling Rims. Oh, and some chrome.
oh, oh, and a horn that sounds like a cow or something.
10)which tv show would Batman go on first?
-Oprah?
-Larry King?
I'll tell you who....Steve Cobert !!
...and the price i had to pay
my eyelids are heavy
very heavy
i open my eyes
i've almost hit the rail
i almost crashed my car on the highway
I need to wake the fuck up already
I have two red bulls, and all their mix of caffeine, taurine and a hell of a lot of sugar running up and down my veins.
They are useless
I need to wake the fuck up already
I push the gas pedal, i need some adrenaline.
It helps. but it won't get me through
I get out at the next rest area.
I Stop next to all the happy families.
Children are screaming.
The heat is unbearable.
I walk around a little bit.
I take a leak.
I stretch
I need to wake the fuck up already
I get back in the car
Then
The devil tells me:
-"I can save you, I can get you home safely"
-"really??"
-"Yes, but you must do as I tell you"
I am desperate
I don't want to die
I figure that since I'm probably going to be going to hell anyway....
-"Ok, what do I have to do?"
-"Go to your Ipod, and start browsing, I shall give you the most evil music imaginable.
Music that will make it impossible for you to sleep. Music that will allow to see your family and friends again"
I start browsing:
Black Sabbath....no
Children Of Bodom....no
Cradle Of Filth.....no
Emperor.....no
Entombed.....no
Enslaved......no
Exodus....no
Hammerfall....no
In Flames.....no
Kreator.....no
Manowar.....no
Marilyn Manson.....no
Megadeth....no
Metallica.....no
Nirvana.....no
Rage Against The Machine....no
Rammstein......no
Rob Zombie......No
Sepultura.....nope
Slayer....surely not !!
I get nervous.
If Slayer is not it, then what is?
I ask the Devil
-"Isn't any of these evil enough? Surely one of them must be?"
-"Not even close my dear pundit. They will put you to sleep.
They are fast, but their sound is too monotonous, you minion will not resist long"
-"?"
-"You need something else, you need the most obnoxious, catchy, ear blasting music ever created by man. Music even more satanic and diabolical than an ABBA/Village-People Crossover.
You need:
The Bee Gees"
Suddenly,
I see a Best Of the Bee Gees.
26 tracks !!
how did that end up in my ipod. was the devil aware of iTunes?
I thought the devil was an archaic creature, one of great power but not one capable of such an atrocious and devilish act.
I click on the play button.
I fall under the spell.
Here I am.
Eyes wide open.
Screaming louder than a 13 year old japanese girl at a Take That concert.
-Jive Talking
-Night Fever
-You Should Be Dancing
-Stayin' Alive
-How Deep is Your Love
-If I can't Have You
-You stepped into my life
-More than a Woman
-etc.
Songs about death, and violence, about tragedy, murder and sadness: Love Songs embedded in a boogie and led by the womanliest voice a man
can have.
Not only was I under a musical enchantment.
As the choruses of staying alive blared for the first time, the visions appeared.
Visions of tackyness, of John Travolta dancing on a Glass-colored-illumintaed-squares floor.
But it works.
And, because I persist in accomplishing the devil's task, he sends me a gift.
He sends me companions.
I look in the rear view mirror. Cars are moving to the outmost-right lane. In the far back, I can see three stand-alone head lights glaring
through the early afternoon sunlight.
I first think of policemen. But traffic cops travel by pairs.
These is a threesome death oblivious motorists speeding like crazed maniacs, swallowing the asphalt with their 16" Michelin Tires, insects
exploding on their helmets.
They are a convoy of devil saviours: Belphegor, Thanatos and Lucifer.
I follow them.
I start driving like I hadn't done since my early days; pedal to the metal, quenching my gasoil thirst, lashing on every horse-power the
turbo of my engine can provide; as when I was a happy owner of a fresh and new driver's license.
I am young.
I am immortal.
I am listening to the Bee Gees.
I have awoken the fuck up.
I get home safely.
My ears hurt.
I feel woozy.
My sould now belongs to the Devil.
There is no hart in my chest. It's been torn out.
I have no breath
I have no reflection.
Most of all I need to rest, it's been too long a drive.
But I'm going to watch HellBoy2 First.
i ve been watching the sopranos lately. and Tony Sopranos shrink keeps telling him to annotate his dreams.
I have just dreamt that
1) I go back to pick up my car (with some blonde that I've picked up at my saturday morning football game) which I had left in a warehouse's garage. the reason the car was there is that I had been to a party over there the night before.
(the football game was close to it somehow)
The car is originally green, but the paint had faded away to aliminum grey
All the tires had been stolen.
A jamaican man, staff member of the party, was trying to get me wheels. He wanted to know why I needed them asap. I told him that I could tell him why (I had no real reason but the fact that I was freaking out) but that he would then also have to help me deal with that. He asked no other stupid question.
2)as I was walking in the warehouse I started playing with tools that were laying around, and started making holes in wooden frames.
Then a whole discussion started about how much Jamaican's had to work in the past.
according to my grandma, a lot, according to whoever I was speaking to, not at all, as Jamaicans used to be extremely rich (They have a lot of natural resources to sell). People from neighbouring islands have had to work a lot though (again, according to this unknown wise person).
My grandma was very disappointed that her whole life theory about Jamaica was untrue.
3)Some tv anchor was interviewing a Jamaican authority on the news (although it all looked like the weather channel. She was asking about Jamaican voodoo/evil rituals.
Both the journalist - who had a reliable source - and the Jamaican authority were very persistent on their positions but the journalist had to face reality.
The anchor was doubfounded when told that Jamaican witches do NOT revere Michael Jackson.
I think I have post Beijing Olympics depression.
and I left on holydays a while ago and my car is sitting alone in the garage.
Im a total psychologist...
From the 1996 Official Doom Comic.
I wish they tought some of those communication techniques in my office.
They could come in quite handy, quite often....
"What boyband from the early 90's was Robbie Williams a Member of?"
-Take That (in 0.76 seconds)
I was the fastest, and I was right.
I was happy
I was making points at the PlayStation Game: "Buzz"
Then...
-"You're so gay"
-"but,....I..."
-"Gay, completely gay. I can't believe you knew that.."
-"B-b-but...I..."
-"GAAAY!!"
Is it my fault? really?
In the early 90's, my high school years, I watched MTV (UK) every morning.
every morning I watched: "Wake Up on the Wild Side" with Rebecca de Ruvo
So in order to watch a Metallica (or insert other good Rock Band - even though you may argue that Metallica sucked, which I would understand because Lars Ulrich - The Drummer - is a mega-asshole) video, I had to go through:
-Dr. Alban
-Vanilla Ice
-East 17
-Enya
-Take That, and only god remembers what other horrible superfaboulous crap
Moreover, I think that knwowing about Take That is not that gay
after all...
as I mentioned before
Awake on the Wild Side was anchored by Rebecca De Ruvo
and every morning, I woke up to her:
totally safe for work
i repeat
totally safe for work
Jay, K-Man, C-Boy, all the others, this video needs sound
and its totally safe for work, so really, use the speakers for this one
So,
2 very worrying things happened today:
1) after beying shown some party pictures, I was the only one, ever, to understand that all the people in the picture were disguised as Lady Di (a bunch of them) and Muhammad Al Fayed)
2)I've played "Singstar" for the first time today
its like a karaoke game.
i can't sing
i'll be honest, there's a long list of things i can't do properly.
like:
-dancing
-juggling
-swimming
-peeing straight
but the one thing I' sure there's no single chance i will do anywhere decent before i die is...to sing.
So, here I am, singing, in the highest possible pitch possible. questioning my whole sexuality.
I feel stupid
The song where I did my personal high score. the one I knew best, and was more in tune to.
"Britney Spears - (Hit Me Baby) One More Time"
I am not normal
There are only 2 possible conclusions:
a)I'm completely gay because:
-I know what a Tiara is
-I know who Lady Di is
-I have heard two people karaoke to an Elton John song, and had fun.
b)I'm not gay but I am a pervert because:
-I recognise old rich guys who bang hot women
-I know a song only because the video is about hot slutty schoolgirls.
I'll go with b)
I am visiting some friends for a few days.
I've met their dog, a tekkel named oscar.
an adorable little fellow.
I think he loved me
he peed on me 3 times.
its once less than my last girlfriend
I bet this guy also does Jui Juitsu
and I bet a certain "someone" would love to "wrestle" him.
I was at the beach again today
sun.
nice warm, but not too warm, wind.
the water was calm and clean.
plenty of beautiful topless girls around.
i took a little nap while listening to the calm soothing sounds the tiny waves made as they hit the beach.
totally relaxing
why am I telling you about this?
because I hope everyone at work, especially Jay, will read about it
3 am.
we're on the street, tailgaiting, waiting for a party to start.
the trunk is open, the music is blasting.
people are chatting, drinking and having a general healthy (well, not healthy at all) dose of fun.
I am tired.
The day had been long, and was far from over.
I ask a friend, Mr. Marvel's brother: Marvelino to move over so I can sit down.
-"Do you mind?".
-"sure no problem you lazy bastard"
-"I'm not lazy, my back just hurts a lot"
-"your back hurts"
-"yeah"
-"because you keep trying to suck your own cock?"
...
Life sucks
So, here I am, in TouristTown, at night.
I'm with the dynamic duo of drunken mischief: Tower and Hobo
Here are some exerpts, in non chronological order:
1 - Delusion:
-"Hobo, dude, look at yourself, you really look like a bum"
-"some types of women go for this specific look"
They must be some very very peculiar types of women.
Did I say "must be"?, I mean, they are....I've met a few of them
2 - FutureTelling:
Hobo - "let's drink a max right now (we had some drinks in the car...whisky mostly). Once we hit the clubs; it's going to be too expensive."
Tower - "man, i don't want to puke for no reason, i like to pace myself, enjoy my drinks"
Hobo - "ha! i don't care, i ve totally foreseen that tonight i'm going to puke, and I'm comfortable with that"
20m later: "beuarghhhhh"
23m later: "brreuuaaarghhrrr"
Hobo - "you have a kleenex?" he asks, while drooling a mixture of saliva, bilis, and random chunks of food
Me - "no" (even if I had had one, I would have said no...mouehehe)
Tower - "just wipe it on your shirt Hobo, this shirt will absorb anything"
Its true, these pseudo-neo-hippy shirts can really take in a lot of crap.
3 - A lesson on How and When to Lie:
Tower starts speaking to a hot chick "cutie" while her friend "blondie" is making out with some random über Douche.
Cutie is smoking hot.
Tower is working his game like a terminator on a "Sarah Connor destroy" mission
After a while Blondie starts speaking to Tower
-"how old are you?" She says
-"hmmm, 26 why?"
-"cutie is 17"
-"and I bet you're her sister?"
-"yes"
-"I should have said i was 20 shouldn't I?"
-"yeah, you screwed up;)"
From now on, I'm 22 !!
-"Dude, why don't you come over and we drive up to the coast to check out the tourists?"
-"hmmm, why not, unless you want to come over here. the weather is not that good"
-"dude, over there its always hot, and I want to see some nice asses and nice tourist cleavage"
-"hmmm, I couldn't have put it better, see you later"
So, here I am,
playing a board game with a few friends
Its a little bizarre to be playing a game, meant for 12 years old and up, with other grown-ups. but, on the other hand, its freakin' awesome !!
Anyway, we're at this dude's hangout. an old almost abandoned, family house.
The humidity stench in the air is almost unbearable.
We're sitting at ground level in what used to be a shop.
The front windows are boarded up.
Apparently there must be a rat somewhere because there are bite marks on garbage bags, and because we keep hearing noises in the back room.
Whatever.
We're on playing mode
The dices keep rolling.
Its somewhere between 3 to 4 am.
BAM!
BAM! BAM!
a loud knocking at the door.
my friend gets up, goes to the door.
then, an obnoxious, high-pitched voice starts blaring.
-"mhaaa, hellooo, mblaaahhh!"
That voice belongs to "Mr. Marvel".
Mr. Marvel is a common friend to all of us.
A childhood friend.
I am not going to say that he took a different path in life than the rest of the people at the table. Let's say he took a more extreme one.
-"snrrrflll". He snorts, loudly
-"srrnhfhhlll". He snorts, even louder.
His eyes are half closed. Not because he's tired.
He has a smile from ear to ear. he looks happy as a kite. He's flying. Litterally.
-"Anybwone god a krrleenex? My dnose just exbrloded (it was bleeding relentlessly). I can't gooo, hoo-oome li-hike dis!"
aaah, welcome to the idiosincratic routine of a cokehead
Jay loves the martial art called Jui-Juitsu
I keep making fun of him, because its all about being on the ground, with some other dude, and well...it's a close contact sport...very close.
So, I decided to google the following 3 words:
"Jui Juitsu Gay"
and well...I think for once, images speak louder than words
Grappling is Gay!
Jui-Juitsu is like tight jeans
OH, and in case you wonder what its like to work with a Jui-Juitsu freak like Jay...well....
Office Jiu Jitsu
a last one. you know, "for the road"
I think the gods are protecting Jay.
soon after sending him an sms telling him that I was at the beach (read below), I fucked up my foot on the ultra-razor-sharp edge of some god dam pseudo-marble steps.
Result: Half the skin of my toes gone, and it hurts like a bitch.
by "hurts like a bitch", I mean hurts as much as Jay's Jui-Juitsu.
anyway, now, when I walk, it looks like I need to take a shit.
But its ok, being in the sun, at 35ºC, in the country side, hangin', chillin' and....hangin' and chillin' some more...it's worth a little pain.
so
I am on holydays.
i've decided to leave Jay, alone, with his files and his 3 bosses up his ass
I miss him a lot
so I sent him the nicest possible text message today:
"I am at the beach"
I thought he would be gratefeul I remembered him.
So he replied
"I am in the toilet".
I think that there are 3 types of women in Bed, Talk-wise.
1)those that don't talk at all. they usually don't move at all either. they're great. well if you consider fucking a piece of lard with a grin great.
2)those that talk and are fun and love to have sex. if you know any of those, send her my way please.
3)those that talk but you go..."what the fuck?"
allow to illustrate.
-"did you remember to buy yoghurt?"
-"did your ex also let you do this?"
-"shhh, you're gonna wake up the kid"
i'm depressed because i can't get a girlfriend.
my friends are extra supportive...
-"seriously, R, I don't get it, you're not that ugly (wow, thanks, i feel great now) and you're not that unpleasant (jeez, wow, I really feel good about myself now). I think you're just too demanding"
-"too demanding, really? how? too demanding as in I want girls who are not that ugly nor that unpleasant??"
-"exactly, you need to drop all those ridicilousm society-imposed-unattainable-standards!!"
-"Oh, the Olympic Games start this weekend?!!" (Jay, Friday the 8th of Agust, 2008 - at 15.00pm)
-HAHAHAHA
-"what, I don't give a shit obout the games"
-"dude, even if you don't give a shit...the games are talked about everywhere !"
-"yeah, i guess, whatever. I really want to see the 100m, 200m and 400m....and an MMA championship!!"
I've been watching the Sopranos from scratch for the past few weeks.
I'm now in season 5.
I've been having pleny of bizarre violent dreams.
a connection?
maybe?
Today, I was in K-Man's office, he suddenly reached down to adjust his shoe-laces.
I kinda twitched... as adrenaline rushed to my brain.
My Soprano fanatic instinct was telling me somthing.
WHY THE HELL WOULD HE WEAR AN ANKLE-GUN AT WORK??
is he going to carry it while we go to lunch?
Am I going to get murdered today?
I really need to finish these dam series and start watching something a little more normal.
When does Season 2 of "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles" Start??
Jay: "You're leaving tonight right?"
-"Yup"
-"It's a pity, I was thinking of having some friends over tomorrow night, and I thought you could come too".
-"It's nice but,..I'm not your friend"
-"I know".
A good friend: B-Mac (contacts me through the chat.
Its been a long time.
He was on vacation.
I was at work
Which is kind of a vacation.
well, a vacation to hell.
he was in New York.
It's also hell I guess
So anyway,
we're catching up and he says:
-B-Mac: "so, i have to go to houston in 2 weeks for work"
-R: "nice"
-"and I sent an email to a friend of mine to ask her if she wanted to catch up
here's her response":
Things are not good here. I filed for divorce 2 weeks ago. My husband tried to buy a $850,000 condo in the galleria area behind my back, but they would not give him a loan.
He said he had no intentions of buying the condo, just that he wanted to see how much he could get a mortgage for. That is such a lie. So there is nothing more that I can do.
There is something going on that he no longer wants to be married.
There is so much more to this story. he initially was going to give me the furniture and help me out financially so that I wouldn't have to go back to work right away, but now, he says that I am narcissitic and that I shouldn't be able to keep everything.
He does not want to do anything to help me out anymore.
His actions are making this so much easier on me. He wants to continue living in our home until the divorce is final. This is strange b/c 1 month ago, he tried to buy another place.
I had my attorney send his attorney a paper asking him to leave. If he doesn't leave, I will go to court.
He is going to be so pissed tonight.
I can't live with him anymore.
This is pretty amazing by itself
Then B-Mac says:".....let me know when you're done reading that, so I can show you the best part"
-"i'm done"
- B-Mac: "Anyways, I would love to meet you, but I will be in Puerto Vallarta that week. That sux. Maybe next time"
I'm glad I'm not her husband
.....
-"Do you know how much I paid my Coke?"
-"no..."
-"This morning it was priced at 70c, and now, later this morning, it was priced at 75c....I feel like I got Ass-fucked"
The prices have been raised due to a new indexation of prices.
the conclusion is that 5cents is the price one has to pay to fuck Jay up his ass.
that is even cheaper than a blow-job from a 63 year old toothless chrackwhore transvestite.
Update 1:
Jay also got angry that I started blogging about this
-"Are you blogging about this?"
-"Yeah, so"
-"I told you plenty of interesting stories this morning and you blog about this?"
-"interesting stories like....???"
-"well, i told you plenty of stuff about Jui Juitsu".
-".....right"
If he had told me a story about a 63 year old toothless chrackwhore transvestite, I would have blogged about that !!
Update 2:
I turn around and Jay is watching a video on YouTube titled "IN YOUR ASS"
I rest my case...
stressed about work?
sharing an office with Jay?
worried about getting attacked by Jay's mediocre Jui Juitsu? (anyhow, my Geek-Fu is clearly superior to his Stu-Pid-Kan't-Do)
try "not giving a fuck"
I think this is the best life lesson I've ever seen on film.
-"Jay, do you think I should put AdSense on my blog?"
-"right, I will klick on it everyday"
-"hmmm, you're right,
I wonder though, I think the only reason I should use AdSense is to see what ads will be generated based on the content of my blog"
-then Jay just looks at me with pity in his eyes and says "Prozac?"
-"....asshole"
-"well it's either Prozac, or Viagra...whatever!"
Jay keeps complaining
-"my muscles hurt" (from doing some sports yesterday = having a man sweat on him while performing bodylocks)
-"you have no muscles"
....
-"should I remind a certain someone that I beat him recently at arm wrestling"
-"bah, I was hurt then" (I try to hide my humiliating defeat with stupid excuses, I should have blamed the wind, it would have avoided what came next...)
-"Getting hurt afterwards doesn't count"
then he laughs...
Boredom at work has reached a new level.
A level I can't comprehend.
A level the Jay, nor C-Boy will ever understand
A level the K-Man may one day reach if he keeps good discipline.
this is like illumintation through office boredom.
If I ever become that guy, someone please finish me. I don't care how, I don't care how painful you want to make it, just end me !!
Update:
another candidate for premature euthanasia
i think i'm going to use the glasses technique more than once.
just because it rules
also I think this video is finally going to give some edge for kicking Jay's ass every time he starts rambling about MMA and about the latest moves he learned in his Brasilian Jui Juitsu Class (I think he simply likes being on the ground, and being dominated by another man...)
-"I'm going downstairs to get something to drink, you need anything?"
-"no, i'm good thanks"
-"seriously, you don't want anything? do you want me to hit anyone while i'm at it?"
-"hmm can't think of anyone in particular"
-"just tell me who and i'll hit him"
-"dunno, why don't just hit anyone that crosses your path, randomly"
-"OK !!"
When Jay came back with his drink he seemed unscathed and had no bruises on his knuckles
Somehow I had a fantasy where he would come back to the office with a vicious sadistic smile expressing accomplishment and his shirt completely covered by random splatters of blood....most of it being seomeone else's,
I can't help feeling a little disappointed
As much as one can think of eastern europe as a black hole of post-communism depressiveness,
You have to give credit where credit is due.
Mixed Martial Arts (MMA)
the most grandiose spectacle of gladiatoral attributes on earth.
Romanians have taken it to the next level
a level where brute force is mixed with grace, beauty....and a little bit of baby oil
I'm doing a fight card bet with Jay
we have to respectively bet the 10 fights foreseen in the forthcoming UFC-87
Jay likes to think he's an expert
but he's not.
to demonstrate this, I have decided to do all my bets (except 2) by toin-coss.
I have thrown the coin 8 times.
it landed on "heads"....8 fucking times.
I said: "I've just broken all laws of human probability"
Jay said: "Human probability?"
well, yeah...I mean...whatever.
I'm keeping this coin, it's evil !! it was made in the Devil's foundry by Trolls and other wicked creatures !!
My friends and co-workers keep having babies.
awesome.
someone in my office who finds babies about as awesome as I do just told me a joke.
-"Do you know how much time it takes to cook a baby in a microwave?"
-"hmm, no, how long?"
-"I don't know, I was too busy masturbating".
I laughed and then I reminded that person about the best method to make a baby cry a second time....
...you clean your cock on his teddy-bear.
I love life
Don't you?
its an expression over here.
I finally convinced the K-man to watch "Office Space".
a "chef d'Oeuvre" of bureaucratic atrabiliousity.
In any case, I think that both the K-Man and I would agree that we are sourrounded of people like Daniel Chesterfield.
I wish they all suffer a horrible, horrendous, painful and humiliating quasi-but-not-death wich leaves them in endless suffering accident
I'm talking about people who do the most stupid shit imaginable and manage to convince you that they are actual productive members of society.
Fight
finish him
hmmm, i lust my teenage years of Mortal Kombat
here is the most ultraviolent fight of them all
Tai Chi Masters Battle
-"Jesus, its so fucking hot in this dam office...can't take it anymore"
-"nah, its fine, its just me farting..."
A great man once said
-"I'm glad, because coffe breaks are getting longer every day".
as we were finishing the break
he kept on going..
-"Now it's more like, let's go for a work break - to try and re-activate our brains for a few minutes"
That great man is the K-man
Jay is getting out of the office
but he stops.
he seems preoccupied
well actually, he seems
well...he seems overwhelmed by his own angst
his eyes are wandering
wandering, into the pale white colouring of our prefabricated walls.
he's not smiling.
that's for sure!
but he's not grinning either.
the only metaphor I can think about right now is that it seemed as though he was getting a bad blow-job.
you're lost between the unique chance of having a woman's lips pleasuring your shaft,
and the excruciating pain that comes from a dry mouth and sharp teeth
I ask: "dude, is there something wrong?"
-"I just don't wanna go..."
and then, his head fell forward, his eyes were screaming "RESIGNATION !!" and he left, disappearing into an administrative maze of pale white coloured prefabricated walls.
Sometimes An image is worth a 1000 words.
Don't exactly know what they're worth, but here are a few pictures from the TomorrowLand festival.
Nevermind that I jumped the fence and went backstage 3-4 times and bullshitted my way into awesomeness.
(Also nevermind that they allowed DSLR's inside)
awesomeness which I'm not going to really show here ;)
but let's say that when the sun shines, clothes shrink to an absolute minimum
Felix Da Housecat
Markus Schulz
Armin Van Buuren and my black self
Dr Lektroluv
Carl Cox waiting for Dr Lektroluv to finish
Carl Cox - God of Techno
Chris Liebing (my fav!!)
David Guetta (Mr. Fuck me I'm famous - yeah right!)
Markus Schulz
Tomorrowland 2008
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